Found this in an old text file I had on my computer. Anyone remember this guy? OG troll.
When I Become Dictator of the World
This will be a never ending theme. Once I finally have control of the entire world, these rules will take the place of the ones you currently live by. Check back often for new updates, your life could depend on it.
When I become dictator of the world...
...all drugs will be legal. In fact, it will be illegal to NOT have drugs. If a cop pulls you over and searches your car and he doesn't find drugs, you go to jail. If this happens three times, you get the death penalty. None of this life sentence crap, and no appeals either. Three strikes and yer dead.
...sports will be illegal. You can't play sports, watch sports, or talk about sports. If I perfect my mind-reading machine before I take over, you won't be allowed to think about sports. I'm not talking about combat sports like boxing, kick-boxing, Ultimate Fighting, etc. Any activity where the sole purpose is to hurt your opponent will be fully endorsed in my regime. But all sports that use a ball or puck or stick or net are illegal. Same with things like auto racing, track & field, swimming, and the so called X-treme sports. None of it's allowed. The only sport that will be legal is curling. That's right, that stupid game with the brooms and rocks. Enjoy your sport. Also, no one may wear clothes with team logos, or have sports stickers on their cars. If you break these rules you get the death penalty on the spot with no trial. The olympics will still be held every four years, but all the athletes will be killed during the opening ceremonies. The special olympics will continue as usual, because nothing is funnier than watching retards trying to act normal.
...no one can have kids unless they get express written permission from me. If a woman gets pregnant without permission, she gets kicked in the stomach until the fetus stops breathing. Then she gets her uterus surgically removed with no anesthetic. Betcha a lot less women 'forget' to take their pill after this law goes into effect. If you're thinking of trying to get written permission, forget about it. It ain't happening. You're too lame to be allowed to reproduce. Still want to try? Here's a few prerequisites you should be aware of:
1) Ugly people may not have children. If you don't know if you're ugly, you are.
2) People with an I.Q. less than the temperature of the room may not have children. If you think I.Q. tests are an unfair measure of intelligence, you probably got a low score on one.
3) People who believe in God may not have children. Even I'm not sick enough to take an open mind and fill it with that nonsense.
4) People who make less than $50,000 a year may not have children. How you gonna buy the kid a Playstation and buy drugs for yourself on less than 50 grand?
5) People who don't speak English may not have children. English is the only language that matters because I speak English. How are your kids gonna follow my rules if they can't speak English? This also includes people who know how to speak the language, but choose not to (Ebonics anyone?).
6) People who don't own guns may not have children. How is your kid supposed to shoot up his school if he can't use your gun? How are they supposed to shoot themselves if they can't use your gun? We don't want our kids having to get their guns on the streets.
7) People who were sad when Princess Diana and JFK Jr. died may not have children. If you're so wrapped up in a lame fantasy where these people were your friends, you're way too out of it to raise a child.
8) People who don't have internet access may not have children. How else is your child supposed to see hard-core sex and autopsy photos? The neighborhood pedophile can't be everywhere at once people. With the internet, pedophiles from other neighborhoods can help pick up the slack. While we're at it, you must have cable or satellite TV service also. Your kids won't always be on the net, and they'll have to get sex and violence somewhere.
9) People who don't like Howard Stern may not have children. Only up-tight morons with no sense of humor don't like Howard. People with no sense of humor should not have kids. BaBa Booey!
10) People who want children may not have children. Anyone who wants children is lame, and lame people shouldn't have kids.
That's just a basic outline. The final decision is still up to me and will be based on a myriad of subjective criteria that changes at my whim. I guess the bottom line is that NO ONE may have children.
...there will be no restrictions of any kind placed on the content of TV and radio shows. Anything goes. There will be a channel devoted to each of the 600 perverted passions the Marquis de Sade spoke of in 'The 120 Days of Sodom'. One thousand channels of complete nastyness, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Hell, they could even say the dreaded "F" word on the radio. Well, that might be going a little too far.
...if you really can't stand a person, you're allowed to kill them. You don't even need a good reason, just go ahead and wax 'em. The only exception to this rule is that no one is allowed to kill me. That would suck.
...abortion will be legal up to 18 years after the child is born. After that, you can't abort them. You may however, as per the above rule, kill them.
...the public library will start stocking pornography and all Bibles will be removed from all hotel rooms.
...the legal drinking age will be 'old enough to swallow'. Anyone physically capable of injesting liquid may drink. It will no longer be a crime to drink and drive. It will however, be a crime to drink and drive and crash. Unless, of course, you meant to crash.
...everyone who has a stupid tattoo will be held down while someone cuts it off with a rusty razor blade. If you're not sure if you have a stupid tattoo, use this simple formula: if the tattoo is somewhere on your skin, it's stupid.
...everyone who has any body piercings will have them yanked out one by one and feces rubbed in the wounds. Everyone who has no piercings will be forced to get nipple rings.
...religion will not be permitted. If your life is so boring that you think church is fun, maybe it's time you met your maker. Our crack staff of murdering thugs will be more than happy to send you on your way at no charge to you or your family. If you insist on worshipping something, worship me. I can't offer eternal life, but I can save you from eternally having no life.
...most music will be outlawed. The only music allowed will be Death Metal and Classical music. But you don't like those kinds of music, you say? Good.
...the work week will only be 1 hour long. If you don't feel like working that much, that's fine too. That's only for the cool people. Lame people will be forced to work 100 hour weeks with no days off, ever! How do you know if you're cool or not? Very simple. If you agree with all the rules in this essay, you're cool. If you've been reading this and thinking how horrible it would be to live in a society governed by these rules, you're lame.
...society will be divided into 2 different groups. As alluded to in the last rule, these will be the Cool People and the Lame People. Cool People get to do whatever they want, whenever they feel like doing it. They get first place in lines, the closest parking spaces, and don't have to work or pay taxes. The Lame People will do all the work, and must yield to the will of the Cool People. Lame People will be given no rights and can expect to suffer greatly. This is what they get for being lame. In order to tell who is in what class, all Lame People will have the letter "L" branded on their forehead.
...if you're in line waiting to buy something, and the person in front of you is taking too much time by asking stupid questions, you may grab that person, slap the crap out of them, and push them out of your way. They must then go to the end of the line. This includes people who fill out their deposit information right at the ATM, instead of doing it before they left the house.
...if you are driving your car, it's legal to run over people who are in the street. Those stupid roller-hockey kids won't get out of your way? No problem, just step on the gas and waste their ass. Some idiot riding a bike too far out in your lane? A flick of your wrist will waste that bitch! If you're chasing someone down and they run up on someone's lawn, you're allowed to jump the curb and go after them if you want to. If you have a big enough car or truck, you can also hit people on motorcycles. Speaking of motorcycles, it will be illegal to ride a motorcycle while wearing a helmet. When your dumb ass hits the pavement at 75 mph, we don't want any protection between the pavement and your thick head. Born to be Stupid. Also, if you own a motorcycle, and you sit in your driveway and rev the engine over and over and over again but don't drive it anywhere, you will be beaten to death with a lead pipe.
...everyone who thinks neckties are a good idea will be hung with one.
...everyone who thinks pornography is bad will be forced to watch the sickest porno flicks from around the world non-stop until they die.
...all electrical outlets will be redesigned with receptacles the size of a small child's finger. All cleaning products, bug sprays, perscription drugs, and drain openers will taste like candy and must be stored in unlocked cabinets on the bottom shelf.
...no one will be allowed to water their lawns. This is a waste of water. If your lawn dies, that's tough. Move where it rains if you want a stupid lawn. Also, you can only mow your lawn between 2-3 pm on tuesday. No more of the constant rattle of lawn mowers all summer long. But you're at work between 2-3, you say? Too bad, so sad. Anyone breaking these rules may be shot in the head by any neighbor that feels like doing it.
...if you keep your dog outside and it barks all the time, you will be killed and your body will be ground up into bite-size pieces. These pieces will be fed to your dog. Then your dog will be killed.
...it'll be legal to drive around and shoot people who are jogging, walking the dog, riding their bike, rollerblading, sitting on their front porch, or planting flowers in their yard. Go in the house you boring bastards, I can't stand the sight of ya!
...anyone wearing a backwards baseball cap or trousers two times too big will be tied to a chair and set on fire. If I see underwear above the belt-line, you get beaten first, then set on fire.
...any guy wearing perfume must get breast implants and have his sex organs removed. What's that you say? It's not perfume, it's cologne? Same thing, you fool! It's stinky shit in a little bottle you use so people can't tell how bad you naturally smell. Perfume is for girls, and if you want to smell like a girl, you're gonna have to look like one too. Same goes for scented deodorants. There's an oxymoron for ya. It should be called a reodorant. By the way, females won't be allowed to wear perfume either. If they do, they will be demoted to the Lame People class.
...all vegetarians will be forced to eat raw meat until they puke. Then they'll be forced to eat the puke.
...alarm clocks will no longer be legal. These sick little torture devices are responsible for more misery than the rack, the iron maiden, and the cat-o-nine tails combined. On second thought, alarm clocks will be used to torment the Lame People.
...there will no longer be an offical speed limit. The only limit is how fast your vehicle is capable of going. If this increases accident rates, tough! In fact, I really hope it does.
...people driving a car or pick-up truck with one or more of the following stickers will be shot: 'No Fear', 'NIN', 'My kid is an honor role student at...', 'D.A.R.E.', 'Baby on Board', 'Easy Does It', 'Heath Beach', 'Mean People Suck', 'One Day at a Time', the kid pissing on the Ford logo, anything Taz, anything about Jesus, anything Harley Davidson, anything political, anything about hunting or fishing, and anything about your pets.
...people driving a mini-van, stickers or not, will be shot.
...it will be legal to kill the guy who works the drive-thru window at the fast food place if they get your order wrong. Forget my fries, you die! Gimmie the wrong pop, I pop a cap in your ass! Gimmie chicken instead of beef, I shoot you in the teeth! It will also be legal to shoot the cook if your food is over-cooked or there's too much mayo oozing out the sides of your burger. On the flip side, if you're being a rude dick to the people who work at the fast food place, it's legal for them to spit/piss/puke/shit/ejaculate in your food as they see fit.
...it will be illegal to send money to those 'save the starving children' funds. What a load of crap. When you send money to those things, all you do is keep the kids alive just long enough for them to have kids of their own. Then your kids end up sending those kids money, who in turn have THEIR own kids, so YOUR grandkids send them money... Get the picture? If you really care, SEND NO MONEY and let them die to prevent the suffering of future generations. In fact, the only legal charity will be called 'Kill the Children'. We'll send them candy bars laced with poison and teddy bears infected with some cool new disease. Everyone will be expected to donate.
...if you own a swimming pool, you may not make any noise while using it. No splashing, no jumping, no yelling, and no laughing. Anyone who so much as WHISPERS the words 'Marco' or 'Polo' will be thrown into a new pool filled with boiling water, razor blades, and electric eels. This will be the only pool you're allowed to make noise in.
...it will be illegal to have a family gathering where everyone wears the same T-shirt. If you break this rule, I'll be happy to add matching bullet holes to your matching shirts.
...it will be illegal to be really, really fat. Anyone who breaks this rule will be locked in a room with no food until they are no longer in violation of the rule.
...it will be illegal to NOT beat your kids. They should be beaten before breakfast and at bedtime. You know damn well they deserve it.
...there will be new faces put on money. The $1 bill will have MY picture on it. The $2 will have two big tits! The $5 bill will have John Wayne Gacy. The $10 bill will have Ted Bundy. Albert Fish will appear on the $20 bill. Jason Vorhees will be on the 50, and the Marquis de Sade on the 100. The $500 bill will have a skull and crossbones and the $1000 will have another picture of me. The words "In God We Trust" will be replaced with "In Sade We Trust". Coin money won't have pictures on it, just it's denomination. And you can forget about that fucking ugly dollar coin with that indian chick and her stupid baby on it; that thing is SO gone. You know damn well that even people who hate these changes will still want the money!
...public display of affection will not be allowed. No kissing. no hand holding, no lovey-dovey sweet talk. Couples who walk real close together with a hand in each other's back pocket will be stabbed with a large knife until they die. Then their bodies will be sewn together so they can rot together. Also, women will not be allowed to breast-feed in restaurants. I don't want to see a stupid baby eating better than I am!
...arson will be legal. Yeah Yeah, Fire Fire!!!!
...prostitution will be legal. In the words of the brilliant George Carlin, "Selling is legal. Fucking is legal. Why isn't selling fucking legal?". Never fear George, it will be. Also, the age of consent will be lowered to 5 years old. Of course, you can still fuck your own kids no matter how old they are.
...T.V. stations will no longer be allowed to display their station logo in the bottom cornor of the screen during a show. Movie theaters will not be allowed to show commercials before the movie. Tele-marketers will be herded together and pushed off the edge of a cliff.
...if a child commits a crime and gets caught, the parents will receive the same punishment as the child. But that's not fair, you say? Hey, if you never had a dumb kid in the first place, it wouldn't be around to commit crimes! Just because you CAN reproduce, doesn't mean you SHOULD.
More rules will be added when I think of them. Even if a rule isn't here, that's no excuse for breaking it. If I outlaw something tomorrow that you did yesterday, you're still guilty.